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Do you ever feel a total emptiness inside as if something is missing and you can’t work out what it is?

I’m not talking about the feeling you get when you have experienced a loss or maybe a shock, I mean a feeling that can’t be explained and won’t go away, no matter how much you try to get on with things.

Often potential clients mention this emptiness and my usual reaction is to ask them what their purpose in life is, what gets them out of bed in the morning.

Over the last couple of years, I have learnt that this is a question that flummoxes people and I would say that the majority of them have no idea, at that stage, how to answer.

I have been working with one client for a while and I asked if I could share his take on it with you. He said “I struggle with purpose because it sounds like why are we here on earth and I don’t feel like I’ve got a calling.”

I know it’s different for everybody but I don’t believe that purpose has to be a calling although I appreciate that some people do experience this. I believe that there is not ‘one thing’ that we are meant to be doing, it is a whole bunch of things, sometimes over a period of time and sometimes all at once, as in a portfolio career.

Some people know from a very young age that they want to do a particular job or live a certain way and they structure their entire life to get them one step nearer to their life purpose. Other people go through life and don’t really question or think about their purpose, maybe not ever knowing what they really wanted to do or achieve.

The feeling of emptiness inside is a way of telling us that we are off-course and not leading the life that we want to live. It is highlighting the importance of getting on track to find the things that give you happiness – your purpose.

If you aren’t sure what your purpose is, here are just a few starter questions that you could ask yourself:

Who am I?

What do I do?

Who do I do it for?

Does it energise me?

What are the things I love doing?

Am I doing enough of the things I love?

If the answer to the last question is No, start to take some steps to do more of what you love.

You know how both your head and your heart help you make decisions? Finding your purpose is definitely one for your heart. It’s all about finding out what your passions are, taking actions to make sure you include them in your life and through that, you will connect with your purpose.

There is a lovely quote from Mark Twain that says: “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

Finding your passion and taking action to do the things that you enjoy is leading a purposeful life and I think your whole being hinges on this. When you no longer have the feeling that something is missing, you have found your purpose.

Toni x

If you have any questions about this or would like some help to connect with your purpose, then please get in touch here. We can arrange a complimentary call and you can tell me what is going on for you right now.

Do you know the voices I mean?

Those internal ones that tell us that there are things that we can’t possibly do, either because we don’t know how to do them properly or because we aren’t good enough to do them. These voices enter our minds both at work and in our personal lives and they can be quite powerful and persistent.

They can make you feel you haven’t got a clue about what you are doing and in turn, you question everything that you have done before.

And before you know it, the voice becomes ‘perhaps I’m just not good enough, perhaps I’ve never been good enough and maybe I won’t ever be good enough.’ So you work harder and get promoted, you go to the gym and you get fitter or you achieve a goal that is important to you. But, still the feeling hangs around and nags at you. Sound familiar?

Before we go any further, let me tell you it isn’t just you that feels like that, I sometimes get those feelings too. I can almost hear you now ‘What kind of life coach is she?!’ Everybody gets those feelings at least some of the time. Some people get them occasionally and some people are battling those internal voices on a regular basis. Remember they are feelings, not reality.

Why do so many of us feel like we are not good enough?

There could be many reasons but often the feeling may have started in childhood. You may be able to remember a parent or a teacher comparing you to one of your siblings or friends ‘why can’t you be more like her/him’ or ‘Only 70%, that’s not like you’. Comments like that helped the feeling to develop and as an adult, your mind continues to believe that you are not as good as you ‘ought’ to be.

When you get good feedback or maybe recognition for a project you worked on, do you find that the feelings subside?

That’s because you are looking, either consciously or unconsciously, for somebody else to give you good feedback, ie to give you validation. Guess what – you don’t need everybody’s approval. This may take the feeling away temporarily but when you hit another roadblock, the voices and feelings will come back.

When they do, you feel you now have ‘proper proof’ that you just aren’t good enough. The knock on effect is you will settle for less than you deserve in your life, in relationships and at work, because you don’t feel that you deserve better.

Ok, so here’s the thing, like most things in life it’s not about whether you get those feelings or not, it’s about how you deal with them and get some control back.

Here are my top tips to help you ignore those voices:

Remind yourself of everything you have achieved so far

Make a list of all the things you have done to date that you once thought you couldn’t do, but you did them anyway. It’s important to focus on your progress not on making things perfect. And focus on how far you’ve come rather than on how far you have left to go. This is absolute proof that you are good enough.

Celebrate your wins

No matter how small your successes, make sure you take some time to acknowledge and celebrate them. Celebrating small wins reminds you that you have success on an everyday basis and this will train you to be more mindful of this, especially when those voices come knocking.

Put your negative thoughts in a boat

When you get a negative thought, imagine packing it into a little boat and letting it float away on the water. This will train your mind to let those thoughts go rather than trying to stop them, which sometimes makes things worse.

Do not compare yourself to other people

We all know people that seem to have it all and social media doesn’t help, with images of the perfect life. I can assure you that everybody has their own challenges, but perhaps the difference is they have learnt to deal with whatever their ‘stuff’ is.

Ok, why aren’t you good enough?

If you honestly still think that you aren’t good enough, then I need you to go and get a pen and paper. Write down the reasons why you think that and leave enough space for comments. Now, in the comments space, reply to each reason with an answer as to why it’s not true.

When you read the reasons back, often they make no sense because when you are looking at things logically you can prove otherwise and that’s exactly what you’ve just done.

Talk to somebody

Sharing your thoughts and worries is proven to help stress and anxiety. By telling other people, you may find that they feel exactly the same about themselves. If you don’t have somebody in your friends and family network that you wish to confide in, please consider booking some sessions with a Life Coach as we are trained to help you re-frame your thoughts.

If this post is relevant to you, I hope these tips help. Get into a routine of doing them on a regular basis and I think you will find that they make a difference.

Stop putting things off because you don’t think you are good enough. Go and do all those fabulous things that you want to do. Some will work out for you and some maybe won’t. But until you try, how can you know?

If you would like to talk to me, you know where I am.

Toni x

Now before we go any further, don’t worry this is not going to be a corny Valentine’s Day post. You know me better than that – I hope!

There’s a lot of talk around at the moment about self-care or self-love and so I wanted to talk to you about what you are doing to be kind to yourself?

Some people think that taking time for yourself is a luxury and a bit self-indulgent. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. When you take time to be kind to yourself and do the things that help you feel re-charged, nurtured and happy, you are more able to cope with whatever life throws at you.

We all live in an increasingly busy world that demands so much of our time and energy and so looking after yourself is more necessary than ever.

When I talk to my clients about their goals and what they want to achieve, it’s really important that we make a plan and get things scheduled in, so that they have something to work to, which makes them accountable. It’s the same with looking after yourself – schedule things in, like you would a meeting or a night out, and then you can’t say that you didn’t have the time. (Well you can, but you might feel a bit guilty for lying to yourself). Remember if it’s not scheduled, it’s not real.

There are many things that you could do to look after yourself and I’ve made a list here of the 6 tips that I think are high on the priorities list, if you want to be kinder to yourself.

1.  Sometimes you have to say No

You can’t always say Yes to everything and everybody, because that means you often end up at the bottom of the list, with no time for yourself. Imagine you’ve got yourself prepared for a cosy quiet evening, box set at the ready and some gorgeous food and then a friend calls and begs you to go out. Before you know it, you are saying Yes. Sometimes just say No as in “It sounds lovely, but No I can’t”. If you don’t say No enough, this can lead to you feeling resentment and then getting angry with yourself. No good can come of that.

2.  Nourish your mind, body and soul

This includes eating the right food for you (well 80% of the time, at least), spending time with people you love and care about, your hobbies and interests, having a good laugh, reading a book, going for a walk, having a beauty treatment, watching a film or having a good sleep. Whatever it is that you enjoy and that makes you feel good. It’s also vital to make sure that you properly relax. It’s so important that we take a break from work related things, whether that’s what you do for a living or the household chores.

3.  Keep active

Keep moving in a way that’s right for you. Anything that keeps you active is better than nothing. It will help you maintain your energy, level your moods and strengthen your cognition.

4.  Give yourself a break (and some credit)

Show yourself some compassion – why can we do it for others yet we can be so mean to ourselves? Give yourself some credit for the things you are doing right and celebrate every success, no matter how small.

If things don’t go to plan (and as you are human, chances are sometimes they won’t), don’t be hard on yourself. Work out what needs changing or fixing and crack on.

5.  Stop comparing yourself (or your life) to others

One of the easiest ways to feel bad about yourself is to compare yourself to other people. Others can seem more attractive, richer, more successful and have loads more social media friends. They can look like they have life sorted and are so, so happy.

All of those things are based on your own perceptions, you cannot know how they are really feeling. The image that others put out to the world, particularly on social media, is not necessarily the truth.

It’s a total waste of your energy, so please stop it now. Have role models by all means, but look at them in a positive and constructive light, rather than making negative comparisons.

6.  Accept compliments

When somebody compliments you on your cooking, your latest report or says you look good, how do you react? Do you feel a bit uncomfortable and not know how to reply? The best way to accept a compliment is to smile, look the person in the eye and say thank you.

Being able to accept compliments is great for your confidence and overall wellbeing and also makes the other person feel good too. So everybody wins.

So there we have it, my top 6 tips to start you off on your be kind to yourself mission. Start to think about your own needs and then put yourself first. You cannot help or love others if you don’t feel love, happiness, kindness and compassion for yourself. Oh and forgiveness, but I think that’s a whole post in itself.

I would love to know what you are going to schedule in for yourself – send me a comment below.

Take care of yourself and enjoy it!

Toni x

“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.”    Zig Ziglar

About a year ago, one of my clients was telling me about all the things that he wanted but didn’t currently have in his life. Working out how to get those things was stressing him out. I asked him if we could look at the things that he did have and maybe he could make a list of what he felt grateful for. I was a bit thrown when he said “I didn’t realise this was going to be religious”.

Turned out he had been reminded of saying grace at the school lunch table where you are told to be thankful. Even though this was many years before it had stuck in his head. I would like to assure you that being grateful or thankful is definitely not just for the religious.

Gratitude helps us realise what we do have in our lives. Perhaps you are grateful for the life you lead, your health or the people/animals you know and love and once you start to look you will see that there are lots of things that you can be grateful for.

When you look at the world with gratitude, you will probably be amazed at how much you take for granted and may also notice how much of your energy has been spent on negative or unhelpful thinking.

Having gratitude in your life is actually great for your health.

It makes us happier

Gratitude reduces stress and improves your positivity. Robert Emmons, a Psychology Professor at University of California was a pioneer in gratitude research. His studies showed that if you write down one thing that you are grateful for every day then you will feel happier. His students followed this for 3 weeks and observed that they felt happier and as a result of that felt more positive and had more energy. It didn’t stop there because six months later each of the students reported still being at least 25% happier and more positive.

It makes us healthier

Experts believe that because grateful people appreciate their health, they tend to take better care of themselves. They might notice a change in a health issue quicker than people who take their health for granted. This links into the better your physical/mental health, the better your body works and you feel more energetic and positive and more able to take on whatever the world throws at you.

It puts a situation into perspective

There is no such thing as a perfect life. We live in the real world and sometimes unexpected or awful things happen to each of us. When you can focus on the good and not just the bad things that might be happening in your world, it becomes more difficult to complain, either to ourselves or others.

In turn, this can help if you are feeling stuck and not able to pursue the things that are important to you, that perhaps involve a bit of change in your life. Little steps and a focus on the things that are going right for you will get you a long way.

It’s important to write your gratitude list down. And here’s one of the reasons why; on the days you feel a bit fed-up, have a read through your lists. It’s a good reminder and will help to shift your focus to a more positive one.

To help you get started with everything that you feel grateful for in your life, I have set up the I Love February Challenge. It’s a free Facebook group and members pledge to post at least one grateful comment per day, throughout the whole of February. We already have some members, take a look here and then press the visit group button if you want to join us.

Are you up for that?

Toni x

New Year’s Eve is here again and I wonder, are you going to be making a New Year’s Resolution?

Maybe you made a Resolution before or perhaps you set yourself another kind of goal?  And then maybe you didn’t stick to it and if so, maybe that made you feel a bit guilty? If so, you are not alone.

Actually, the majority of resolutions are not fulfilled, and it’s really just to do with human nature. Typically we over commit, under prepare, and set ourselves up to fail. Then we feel bad, and our habits become even worse – until this time next year, when the cycle begins again.

But don’t worry, because it doesn’t have to be like that.

By using these three simple tips, you can ensure that you stick to your resolutions and goals and honestly, they are not hard to follow.

So what can you do?

Simple, small steps

First of all, we have a terrible habit of thinking if a plan doesn’t work, we need to make it “better”. And what does better look like? It’s usually more complex and elaborate, and even harder to stick to than the original plan.

In all honesty, the best plans are the simplest ones. We need to get out of the mindset of believing that simple is bad.

What do you need to do to get to your goal and what are the little steps you can take on the way to get you there?

Take your goal and plot your small steps in reverse, starting from the date you want to hit the goal by, right back to today’s date. Write it all down so that you can see exactly what needs to happen at what stage and then you can also chart your progress.

I call the little steps bite-size chunks as it’s often easier to think of doing lots of little things rather than tackling one huge goal, head-on.

Get some positive cheerleaders

What this demonstrates is how having positive people cheering you on makes the goal seem more achievable, boosts your mood, and even inspires you to stay on track with your goal.

There is an easy way to check if this works – spend a day with only positive people; at the end of the day think about how the world looks and feels to you and I can guarantee that it will feel better.

Now repeat with negative people, and see the difference!

You probably now know who you would like to spend your time with and how they can help to make a difference to your view of the world.

Daily mindset boost

This last one is about working on your mindset, every day. And this is the life hack with goal setting that nobody talks about.

When it comes to making your New Year’s Resolution a reality, everybody talks about getting to that goal through sheer willpower alone. But the essential piece of the puzzle that is missing is the mindset that allows you to reach that goal, without it feeling like the biggest uphill slog in the world.

The reason that we all need to do a little something for our mindset each day is this. Our brains are wired to notice danger – this goes back to caveman times. We can spot 57 different things wrong in our day, but by nature, we pay very little attention to the things that go right.

Shifting our focus to notice the good things more takes daily practice. But when we do this and our mindset shifts to become more positive, it makes a world of difference to our mood and energy, in turn making the goal much more reachable.

So those are the three main things that you need to stay on track to reach your goals. Only you know whether your goal is achievable for you and sometimes you need to re-assess the goal to check if it is still what you want.

If you hit a roadblock and it holds you up a bit, don’t beat yourself up. Just go back to your list, work out where you need to start again, maybe you need to make some tweaks and get back on track.

It’s also important to celebrate your successes, no matter how small. If you don’t recognise what you have achieved, how will you know how well you are doing?

I hope this helps you with getting on track in 2018. I would love to hear about your goals, please leave me a comment in the box below.

Happy New Year everybody and I hope it’s your best year yet!

Toni x